Wednesday, September 24, 2008
#3 lakeshore
The last glimpse of sun was just ducking behind the north wood's trees. The concealed little lake sat quiet and serene in the dying light. You couldn't tell where the water ended and shore began, because the water sat so still. I sat there alone at the edge of the water by myself, although I didn't feel like I was alone. I had a comforting feeling churning deep inside of me. A cool breeze lapped over me, and sent shivers shooting up my spine. I shut my eyes and inhlaled through my nostrils and could smell the evergreen's scent overwhelming the fresh air. A loon call rang out in the distance, echoing from shore to shore. I sat back and looked at the outstretched sky above me, and drifted off in the swirling clouds that crawled across the perfect sky, on that perfect day.
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5 comments:
sry my comp is messed and couldnt get a pic on there...
I thought it was a really good piece of writing. The only thing I would fix is what you said about no one being around and then repeating that you sat by yourself. That was reasonably obvious to any reader. Otherwise, very nice writing, it had a lot of description and I loved "where the water ended and the shore began" it fit perfectly.
"The concealed little lake sat quiet and serene in the dying light." Just perfect. While I like where you're going with the writing, it feels choppy. I suggest focusing less on the person in the story and more on the senses. For example, instead of "I had a comforting feeling churning deep inside me," go for "a comfortable feeling churned deep inside me."
Nice work, but where are your metaphors and similes? I agree that you could use a little more flow, but I could easily picture the image your computer wouldn't let you add.
When someone in your group didn't write a blog entry, you are supposed to comment on someone else's, as discussed in class.
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